Gratified

It's been exactly a week ago when I thought it could be the end of me (literally and physically).  

I was by the way 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  There were no bleeding and pain during the past weeks while we were still waiting for my follow up ultrasound (supposedly today).  So we thought everything's normal.

But the pain I felt that Saturday afternoon was indescribable.  I've been a master of pain myself but that was just way beyond my means of tolerance.  Little did I know the little beanie inside me has grown... Yes my little angel's alive but not on the right place again... Yes it's another ectopic for me this year.  And the pain that I'm feeling is because of my right tube rupturing and drowning my insides with blood.  So that's the reason I'm losing in and out of consciousness.  

My doctor has to perform an emergency operation since I'm already losing a lot blood.  After a couple of hours or more on surgery my right tube was gone and so as my little beanie.  I may have felt the pain physically but my soul is so gratified.  

I'm thankful I'm ALIVE. 

I'm thankful because again I felt how it was to be pregnant even for sometime.  

I'm thankful that I'm lucky to have a husband who understands and cares for me so well.  Who remains to be strong when I know he's already weakened of the thought that we've lost another child again. 

I know this too shall pass.

There is HOPE. 

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Thoughts to live by

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Test of Faith

Those were my positive PTs in January of this year.  Just by seeing the 2 pink lines for the first time completely diminishes the heartaches brought about by ttc.  My eyes welled genuine tears of joy.  Then I envisioned myself - being able to utilize expectant mom's parking slots,  buying maternity and baby stuffs then holding on to my precious one.  We were in awe and we were both crying just for the thought that we are finally becoming parents after ages of waiting.

But the glee was cut short when after a few days the doctor rule out pregnancy's ectopic.  Indescribable.  I'm so lost for words.  I cried from the doctor's office until our way home and still sometimes when it passes through my mind or hearing someone's on their way again.  I just can't help it.



I have rested the journey until this came and brought me both tears of joy and sadness.  My husband said,  "I'm still happy.  Now we know you can conceive.  But not just yet for sure next time."  Then I cried again.  I'll just continue seeing the positive in the possibility that I'll be seeing my priceless pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

To my family and friends whom I have shut down for quite a while.  while I'm trying to heal everything.  My biggest apologies.

From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you all.

And so my love affair with coffee continues... 

Ciao! 

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